I might return to it…

I don’t think “they” (coworkers) will really be able to find me…if I’m careful.

Stay tuned…

Since Josh has been gone things have become…errmmm…a little messy.

He left on Thursday, today is Sunday, and I just now realized that the cat had no food and they both had no water. BAD MOMMY!!

I haven’t done any dishes, they are piling up in the sink because I don’t feel like unloading the dishwasher.

The trash needs to be taken out but I just keep pushing it further down into the can like it will just disappear and create more space.

The living room needs to be cleaned because our beautiful wood floors are starting to look like beige carpet with all of the dog hair covering them.

I only watered one of the plants and when I did, I spilled water on the floor and didn’t wipe it up.

I HAVE actually done laundry but only because I had nothing to wear to work.

I HAVEN’T spent any time in any other room except the bedroom, including mealtime.

Maybe before he comes home on Tuesday, so Monday night, I should do some cleaning.  I think he would appreciate that.

The fast food and the soda hasn’t been too bad. And I see myself keeping it this way because it feels better.  Except that there have been a few…um…snafus along the way. (Which kinda makes it hard to keep track of how long it has been, do I keep continuing on the same day track, or start over at 1?) Some have been difficult to avoid, last work meetings where the food was provided, or a coworker being nice (unusual) and buying me a soda (at least it was diet and I only drank half…not liking it much anymore).  But, the sweets has been the HARDEST by far.

I had initially defined sweets as ice cream, cupcakes/cakes, candy bars and such because those were the things I had been eating on a regular basis.  I had decided that Jello pudding and Jello jello was okay but now….I’m beginning to make more exceptions.

I’m adding in sweet 100 calorie pack chocolate covered pretzels and lemon cupcakes, and weight watchers smart ones, single serving ice cream.

Am I being too lax? Or was I initially being too strict?

Hubbs is in Florida. I sent him home for a mini-vacation to see family and go to a few spring training baseball games.  His work doesn’t give him many days off (not even for bad snow or federal holidays) so he was getting a little crispy around the edges.

The animals and I are home, watching Ally McBeal season 1 in bed.  At night, I kick the cat out of the room (she tends to slurp out of my water cup…GROSS) and I’m trying to let the dog sleep with me.  She isn’t used to this, she usually goes in her kennel, so this little experiment isn’t going so great.  The first night I had to get up and put her in the kennel at 2am, last night, it was 5am and by that point, I was wide awake and just got up and started watching TV.

I see a nap in my future.

I have to run into work this morning and after that, probably more TV in bed.  I’m lonesome.

Next week the Juniors take the ACT in school.  As the sophomore counselor, I have been working with the junior counselor to get things ready for the test.  It is a huge process and super tiring.  She didn’t realize I haven’t had soda in about 65 days and bought me a Diet Dr. Pepper yesterday.  I drank about half of it realized I really don’t have a taste for it anymore.  Go me!  And on that note, I’ve lost 2.8 pounds.  This time around I really think things are going to work for good!

Day 63 No soda.

Day 10 no sweets

Day 10 logging onto myfitnesspal.com

Weight lost: 2.2 pounds.

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I have decided to go back to school. I thought after my Master’s I would wait for a while and then consider my options for an Ed.S or a Ph.D but after some soul searching I have determined that I really don’t want to go in either of those directions.  So, with Uncle Sam’s money (I have GI Bill money leftover) I’m going back for ANOTHER Master’s degree.

The plan for this one is an online program through Penn State for a Master’s of Education in Adult Education.

I love my job, but for a while now I have been thinking that I would like to be federal and work as a civilian for the Coast Guard. I would like to get back to that environment. But, I would still like to work in my current field (school counselor). The best way I can figure to do that is to be a CG Education Service Specialist.  Basically a school counselor for Coasties.

So…that is my plan.

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By the way….is anyone reading this? Or could I delete it all and no one would notice….

Weather: STILL COLD

Fast food – nope! 2 MONTHS still going strong.

Soda – nope! 2 MONTHS still going strong.

Sweets – no – 1st full week.  Sweets include: ice cream, cupcakes, pastries, candy bars etc.

The few things above, follow the format I have been using in my written journal for the past few months.  It is a pattern of journaling that my therapist recommended and I have found it to be easy to do, sometimes all I can get down, and a great reminder of the small things I’ve accomplished.

Work is busy busy.  I have IEP (special ed) meetings every day this week, and I’m supposed to be helping another counselor organize for the in-school ACT, on top of all of that, I’m supposed to be in homerooms talking to the sophomores about scheduling.  There are 15 sophomore homerooms, homeroom last about 15 minutes, and scheduling happens next week on the 15th.  My IEP meetings start at 8am and homeroom starts at 830. BUT, currently I have to help some juniors pre-bubble their ACT answer sheets during homeroom.  Are you confused yet? I need a clone.

I know it probably seems crazy to complain about needing a vacation in a job where I work 9 months out of the year, and get federal holidays, plus fall and spring break but…. this job isn’t really what I was expecting when I was in grad school.

It is a lot more.  Testing, scheduling, counseling, academics, meetings…some of these things we weren’t even taught about in school.  This has been a long year. I’m ready for summer.

In a completely different direction…

My blog depresses me.  I don’t know why I continue.

I read so many witty, funny, and charming blogs. And mine is such a reflection of me. Depressing reality. Where do all of these women get their funny stories and their sunny days?

I’m envious.

I think today I’m the statue.

I don’t always want you to run into my office to tell me that your daughter called you from preschool to tell you that she misses you and then you start crying.

I don’t want to be invisible in the car when 3 of us are going to a meeting but 2 of you talk about nothing but mommy stuff.

I ESPECIALLY don’t want you to insinuate that I can stay late at work or do things that you can’t because well…the gist of the dig is that I don’t have a family like you do.

I don’t want to feel like I live in a shitty area because “area is really important to us” and you act like it wasn’t important to me just because I wasn’t considering school zones.

I don’t need you to tell me (when I talk about my family and my parents divorce) “now I understand why you don’t want kids. It has nothing to do with that.

I don’t want to hear every “precious” thing that Susy did or said or how amazing it was when she spat up her dinner and it was in the shape of Jesus.

I don’t hate kids. I just like the standard of living that I have and I want it to stay that way. My house is clean, I’m not tripping over toys, and I get to sleep through the night, oh…and I actually have spending money.

Respect that.

I respect that you have to leave early to pick up your kid when daddy can’t, or that you had to take a week off because he/she was sick.

Consider that maybe once I don’t want to hear your stories or come rushing to your office to see your darlings newest pictures.  Can we maybe, just maybe talk about something else.

Don’t make me start telling cutesy stories about my dog and showing you pictures of her. Because if you don’t get the hint, eventually I might have to turn into that lady.

I suppose there is a reason I barely leave my office…

Most days I feel amazed that I have traveled on this 8 year journey.  Although only 5 years of that journey were active duty, they have all made a huge impact on my life and how I do things.

And yet, some days I don’t feel like I even deserve to be called a Veteran.

I’ve never been deployed.

I’ve never served in Combat.

I wasn’t in a branch of the  military some people even recognize.

I’ve never been on a cutter.  USCG Cutter

I wasn’t pistol or riffle qualified.

Sometimes, I just feel like I did nothing.

I bulldozed the banks of the Mississippi river

I checked buoy lights.

And for 3 years I sat at a desk in a personnel position.

But then I have to try and remind myself that I still did something that most people, most women, never, EVER, even think about doing.

I have to remind myself that every branch of the military needs human resources people to make sure that all the other guys and gals get paid to do the dangerous stuff.

I have to remind myself that without me, those guys wouldn’t jump out of those helicopters. Rescue Swimmer

I wasn’t even 20 when I raised my right hand and took an oath to protect my country.

I had just turned 20 when I left everything I knew and went to bootcamp for 8 weeks.

8 VERY long weeks.  8 VERY scary weeks.  8 weeks where I tested everything I thought I knew about myself and found out that I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I ever imagined.

But, now I’m out. I’ve been out of active duty for almost 3 years and I won’t lie. The transition is still hard. I am a civilian now.  A civilian that still thinks, in many regards, like a member of the military.

At work there are certain ways that you do things.  Not everyone follows those rules I live by.

It is frustrating.

I feel different.

I don’t have many connections to my old life and it makes me sad.

Like a moth to light I am drawn to members of the military, but the are NEVER Coasties.  Mainly because Coasties are hard to find where I live.  There isn’t a lot of water here.  So the members of the military I am drawn to have really different stories.

Stories I know nothing about.

Stories I couldn’t possibly fathom. And it makes me feel like what I did for my country, helping those other Coasties protect our homeland, wasn’t enough because I wasn’t overseas.

They always talk about the transition from combat to home. But they never talk about the transition of being in the military for years and suddenly being a cilivian in a world where you could actually lose your job, people don’t understand how you process things, and you have no one to share your stories with.

Some days…I really miss it.  As much as I hated my job, I miss my people.

Since Google decided to impliment Buzz, and Blogger is a part of Google, I didn’t feel like my anonymous blog was still private from my coworkers and family members with Google accounts.

Google kept telling me I was sharing information with my followers and I had no idea what that was, so…Bye-Bye Blogger, Hello WordPress.